I’ve seen it again and again. The victims have no chance. Women get it. Men get it. Children get it. On rare occasions, I have actually seen a family pet get it. There is no cure, to my knowledge, and once you have it, things escalate quickly.
Of course, I’m not talking about the actual “bird flu,” but rather, an addiction. One day you’re browsing the baby chicks at the local feed store, and the next thing you know, you have 500 chickens, and you’re feverishly searching farm exchange websites on Facebook, looking for eggs to place in your incubator because YOU CANNOT STOP HATCHING BABY CHICKENS! Not that I have any clue about those things….
Ok,so…I snuck three Rhode Island Reds home from the feed store yesterday and slipped them in the brooder. I got “the look” from both of my daughters. “Nice trying sneaking those chicks in, Mom, but the little red ones are not two weeks old. They were just hatched. Plus, I counted. You are on the plus side by three.”
Busted. Again.
What’s the easiest way to tell if you suffer from this disease? At our house, we call it OCD (Obsessive Chicken Disorder). Here are the signs:
1. Naming your chickens: If you can pick your hen out of a lineup of same-breed chickens because she gives you that loving chicken stare, you may have a problem. “All chickens look the same,” you say. Uh huh. Whatever, man.
2. Shopping furiously for specific breeds: If you are scouring the internet late at night to find a designer chicken from Indonesia, you could have OCD. One day a white-crested black Polish chicken showed up at my door after a late night internet shopping spree. Whoops! Didn’t realize I actually added that to the cart.
3. Stalking local feed stores in the Spring: If your shed is full of chicken supplies in March because you slip by the local feed store during “chick days,” just to make sure you have enough food to keep your chickens happy. My friend, you’re not fooling anybody. You are going to admire the babies and do a bit of breed shopping. You know, just in case they pop up a container of Ayam Cemani chicks. Beware of the store clerks. They will talk you into buying chicks. “Aren’t these so cute? Best layers I’ve ever owned,” they’ll say convincingly. When you can no longer resist, they’ll throw a couple extra in for free. Jackpot!
4. Joining multiple farm exchange groups: This, at first, sounds like a really good idea. What could be better than a group of like-minded people, selling similar items to each other? I’m warning you. This can turn immediately into a death spiral. One day you’re buying eggs to hatch in your incubator, and then suddenly you look out your kitchen window and see two cows, a donkey, an alpaca, and four fainting goats. Stay away. Just don’t even start.
5. Becoming the butt of everyone’s chicken jokes: This is actually a cool one. I love seeing articles and posts about chickens. But you know you may have reached the OCD level when you have an average of ten posts a day shared to your FB timeline related to chickens. This probably indicates that you spend waaaayyy too much time talking about chickens in public. Time to dial it back a notch.
6. Maintaining a mental chicken inventory: I have a chicken perpetual inventory system going on in my head. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “Ok, so if I hatch four of the six in the incubator, that will give me 25. But then, when I give two of them to my chicken friend and add five more from the feed store, I should still be able to squeeze four more eggs in the incubator. I mean, I’ll give some of those away, and I’m sure they won’t all hatch anyway.” Yep. Giving away is probably not ever going to happen, and certainly not to a chick you hatched. It’s like tearing your arm off. Just give it a rest and understand that you’ll have too many chickens. Always.
7. Establishing an underground chicken society: I love my chicken “enablers,” as my husband calls them. These are the people you can call anytime, anywhere, and they will help you justify hatching or purchasing more chickens. “But you have been really wanting that breed.” “Think of all the beautiful egg colors you’ll have!” “I mean, really, what’s one more chicken? They’re tiny!” These are all common enabler phrases. These people really “get” you. They will meet you to exchange chicks whenever you need (I have been spotted in the Wal-Mart parking lot and even school yard, exchanging not drugs, but chickens), just to ensure your chicken mix is optimal. If they don’t have what you’re looking for, they will “hook you up” with another enabler. These people are the absolute best part of OCD. I met a new enabler yesterday at the feed store. He and his sweet wife hatch about 200 eggs at a time for the feed store chick sale. I asked him if they would adopt me. Can you imagine 200 baby chicks? Complete Heaven! And then I went home and put six eggs in the incubator.
To summarize….life is short, buy the chickens. They are amazing animals, and they give you breakfast. You will make wonderful friends with fellow chicken lovers. You will entertain everyone around you with your obsession. You will amaze and delight your friends with chicken knowledge. One warning…step away from the Facebook Live hatch cam. Nobody want to sit through that. If you don’t believe me, ask April the giraffe.
Hugs and Blessings Always,
LITTLE JEN IN THE BIG WOODS
